The Dot Com University
Welcome to the university with the edge.
Just like all the traditional institutions we offer degrees in such areas as Medicine, Dentistry, Law, Psychology, the Sciences, Mathematics, Information Technology, and so on. But unlike them, we also offer a little bit more.
What’s different about our degrees?
Why would you want to study here rather than, say, Harvard, Yale or MIT? Well, apart from the fact that those universities are really hard to get into, we have developed special courses for each degree that address real-world issues that are totally ignored by traditional universities.
Have a look at some of the examples below and make up your own mind.
Medicine
Golf for Doctors: It’s just as important for doctors to know the rules of golf as it is for them to know which bone the hip-bone is connected to, yet, traditional universities don’t even mention the subject. We cover the important area of medical golfing etiquette, which is, naturally, quite different from the standard version as doctors are much more important than ordinary golfers.
Handwriting for Doctors: If it weren’t for this course it is possible that a medical student could graduate with perfectly legible handwriting. This just won’t do. To be fair, however, the traditional universities have done a sterling job in this area, but we go out of our way to really nail it.
Know Your Drug Companies: This short course is designed to give newly graduated doctors the latest information about which of the drug companies are currently offering the best range of stationary, free meals, and other assorted payola. Go ahead and spoil yourself - you deserve it.
Pharmacy
Creating Labels: Let’s face it, this is pretty much all you’ll ever do. So, a bit of practical experience on how to correctly type up and stick labels on packets and jars will be far more useful than those many years spent learning chemistry and all that other complicated stuff.
Deciphering Doctor’s Handwriting: Although considered to be as difficult to learn as ancient Etruscan, a mastery of the medical scrawl is essential if you are going to avoid hefty lawsuits brought by grieving relatives of wrongly medicated members of the public.
Psychiatry
Beards: We look at the range of acceptable choices and discuss which schools of thought go with different beard types. For example, no Freudian should be seen in anything other than a classic Van Dyke, whereas Jungians, on the other hand, invariably favor a well-disciplined full beard.
Ties: When is it considered appropriate for a practitioner to graduate from a normal tie to the more flamboyant bow tie? This course provides the answer.
Counseling in Your Sleep: An essential skill for any shrink is the ability to appear interested in a patient’s boring life story while actually slipping into a restive sleep cycle. We’ll even teach you how to emit reassuring grunts at regular intervals, just like a conscious person would!
Law
Lying: Amazingly, this most necessary of all legal traits is not formally taught by traditional universities. Our graduates must be able to beat the lie detector before graduating. The maxim of the course, and one that every attorney should use throughout their career, is: It’s not a lie if you believe it.
Sublimation of Morals: Yet another ethical dilemma for would-be lawyers to confront if they are to be successful at defending their obviously guilty clients. This course is taken very early in the degree program so that we can ascertain if the student is just wasting their time as well as ours.
Biology
Assisted Darwinism: Unlike other namby-pamby institutions, we’re not afraid to look at the criminally ignored, breakthrough work of biological pioneers such as Drs Moreau and Frankenstein, as well as that wacky French cloning team that has been in the news recently.
Dentistry
Dental Assistant Selection: We answer the question: Is there more to it than merely the size of the bosom?
Mouth Stretching: We teach students exactly how far a mouth can be stretched before the elastic limit of the lips is reached. Also covered is the question of how much hardware an average mouth can hold.
Communication: In this course students learn how to decipher “gurgle-speak”. That is the language spoken by a partially anaesthetized patient with a mouth full of saliva, blood, a suction pump, assorted dental tools, cotton rolls and fat dental fingers. This course wouldn’t be necessary if dentists would stop asking their patients inane questions, but there are some concepts even a university can’t manage to get across.
Suction: We teach students how to tread that fine line between letting a patient drown in his own saliva and sucking his cheeks completely off.
Nitrous oxide: What are the legal ramifications of operating when you are off your face on happy gas? You’ll find out the answer in this cross-discipline course.
Economics
Insider Trading: Look, everybody does it. So, in this course we teach the students how to get away with it.
Surviving a Crash: It’s inevitable that the stock market will crash from time to time and, on those occasions, economists will be held responsible for losing the life-savings of many of their clients. Fortunately, we’ve come a long way since 1929, and jumping to one’s death from a tall building is no longer the preferred solution. We teach students that there are better ways to cope. Staging a fake suicide, for example, is almost always a great option.
Environmental Science
Toxic Waste: Students will learn why third-world countries make such good toxic-waste dumping sites. And just what does “toxic” really mean anyway; have the greenies gone too far?
The Greenhouse Effect: We are brave enough to ask the question: What’s so bad about living in a greenhouse? After all, plants seem to like it.
Meteorology
Is it Science?: Are we fooling ourselves with all this computer modeling and satellite imaging, or would it be just as accurate to predict weather the good old way, that is, with a set of darts, a map and a blindfold?
Plastic Surgery
Lessons from Hollywood: Just how much collagen is too much, some of the victims speak out (actually it’s amazing they can speak at all with lips like that). We discuss what the critical mass of Botox in Hollywood can get to, before the general population faces a botulism pandemic. Students get to examine some mystery guests (the mystery is nobody knows who they are because they’ve had so much augmentation).
General Education
Re-wombing Weekend
Participants will explore the deepest recesses of their consciousness as they access life before birth. Re-experience the blissful serenity of life in the womb, punctuated by the once-familiar sounds of Mother's heart murmur, gastric reflux and intestinal rumblings. Try to recall heated arguments regarding failed contraception methods. Special rates for twins and other multiple birth participants.
Home Neutering
Fed up with the huge price of veterinarian services yet unwilling to cope with the never ending pitter-patter of tiny paws? In just 2 one-hour sessions you will learn the secrets of the master spayers of old. Feel confident in your new-found ability to de-sex anything. Bring your own house bricks.
Create your own Spiritual Awakening
This short course on Spiritual Awakening fast-tracks you into a world of enlightenment and esoteric knowledge, without the years of boring, monotonous and repetitious mumblings and mantras usually associated with the path to enlightenment. Bring your own hipflask. (Proudly sponsored by The American Distilleries Association)
Death and Dying Workshop
Jaded? Feel like you've Adone it all? Then this course is for you. A one-day workshop where you get to choose from a variety of terminal conditions and situations. Meet the Grim Reaper. The ultimate extreme sport.
Note: Participants must present receipt of full payment prior to workshop.
Guitar Smashing for Beginners
Okay, so you’ve learnt how to play guitar like Jimi Hendrix, but you’re not concert-ready yet - you still have to learn how to smash your guitar on stage. Nothing is quite as embarrassing as standing centre stage, whacking your guitar up and down to no avail. During this course we will study the techniques used by pioneers like Pete Townsend, rock legends such as Kurt Cobain and finally the methods of modern maestros n*sync. You will also learn how you stand insurance-wise if a piece of your axe happens to connect with the skull of a member of the audience.
Ayurvedic Aromatherapy for Truck Drivers
Learn a natural and effective method of attaining harmony and balance to counteract your next bout of white-line fever. Don’t combat drowsiness with your normal illegal stimulants - throw them out today and replace them with rare and exotic Ayurvedic oils. During this course you will learn that punching someone’s lights out is not the only way to express your road rage. Teamsters discount applies.
Secrets of the Tarot
Learn the Secrets of the Tarot. This 10 x two hour course will enable you to master a variety of skills needed to successfully work the cards including the ability to make sweeping generalizations that will apply to all but the most marginalized, plus the ability to both backtrack effortlessly should the client show signs of disagreement and adjust your sweeping generality accordingly. Also learn how to talk in a low, hypnotic and influential voice. Particularly recommended for those wishing to pursue a career in politics.
Backyard Blitz
Forget about organic gardening, if you want to reclaim your backyard from unwanted pests, weeds and the neighbor’s cat you need to get your hands on something really toxic and inorganic. Sure, some of the products you will learn about in this course are illegal these days, but that’s just because of left-wing, greenie propaganda trying to rob us of our Constitutional rights. Participants will be given a list of suppliers who still believe in God, the Stars and Stripes, and DDT.
Amputation for Hikers
This medically supervised course is designed to give people a rough idea of which parts of their body they can forego in an emergency. The recent case of a hiker having to amputate his own lower arm with a pocket knife has highlighted the obvious need for a course of this nature. You will not only learn what to cut, but how to cut. For example, do you slice, saw, hack, or chop for the best results? We’ll also rate major pocket knife brands for their surgical precision. And, naturally, we will cover post-operative care. After all, there’s not much point in you cutting off a limb, crawling to within reach of a camping area, only to die of massive blood loss.
Reading the future from recycled potato skins
A long-forgotten method of divination, thought to have originated from the ancient Celts, or the ancient Aztecs, or possibly both, in which case they were probably both shown how to do it by an advanced race of space-faring aliens. Anyway, the point is it’s really old and therefore it must be true. This course will teach you how to keep an eye peeled for the future. Participants are reminded to bring their own potato.
Caning furniture
A must for proponents of capital punishment, who, because of campaigns mounted by weak-kneed, touchy-feely, left-wing liberals, are no longer able to discipline their children in the time-honored fashion.
Computer-speak for cocktail parties
Don’t make a complete fool of yourself at your next gathering by confusing a RAM with a ROM. Imagine the shame involved if you were to blunder into a conversation involving Internet cookies and stun your fellow guests with something like, “Oh, I like the ones with chocolate chips”. Such potentially disastrous social situations can be easily avoided by discretely enrolling in this popular course.
Dialoguing with your organs
Learn how to really communicate with your inner man or woman. Have the gall to tell your innards you can’t stomach them. Or really let rip and vent some spleen (only for those with a lot of guts). Alternatively, get in touch with your sensitive side by having a real heart-to-heart with yourself.
Shopping on a budget
Learn some fabulous tips on saving money while shopping, courtesy of our celebrity teacher Winona. You may be surprised, or even shocked, by some of her wacky ideas. Please note that the course may be cancelled at short notice due to occasional teacher…ummm…unavailability.
Home cloning
Miss the family cat? Never again have the kiddies upset at the death of a beloved pet. With this terrific course you can learn the fundamentals of animal asexual reproduction, gene-splicing and DNA manipulation in six easy one-hour sessions. The more advanced students are encouraged to extend their knowledge to grandparents and other useful relatives.
Releasing the whiner within
How often have you been told to “keep your spirits up”, “try to be happy” and “think positive”? This is a course where you, the participant, are given permission to let out a never-ending barrage of complaints and self-indulgent griping. Release that “pain-in-the-ass” person who lives inside you. The course consists of ten six-hour sessions or one sixty-hour session for the really pissed off.
Women who love self-help books too much
The biggest hurdle for sufferers of this scourge of modern society is in admitting that they have a problem. So, that’s where men come in. We have to shoulder the responsibility and tell them that they are, in fact, quite unbalanced. Taking this course could be their first step on the road to recovery. Participants will learn that simple old-fashioned remedies like housekeeping, cooking and generally just looking after their men-folk are the best ways to fill all those hours previously spent in reading self-help books.
Growing poppies for pleasure and profit
This is a course for those of you who were born with green thumbs (a strange affliction and one that is yet to be fully explained by modern science). The whole course is devoted solely to the magnificent poppy. Not only will we cover the propagation and display of the flowers, but also the many ancillary uses of this incredible plant. We will have a look at how the seeds can be used in cooking and baking and of course delve into the plant’s pharmaceutical benefits, which can be both invigorating and, allegedly, very profitable.
As you can see, there’s a veritable world of knowledge and pastimes out there at your fingertips (see Palmistry - it’s in your hands) so there’s really no excuse for not “seizing the day” and “going for it”. In fact, if you’re having trouble doing that, we’ve got just the course to show you how.
Take the next step: enroll today and get a “real-world” education!
You’ve seen what we have to offer, forget those unimaginative Ivy League colleges, get your check book out and sign up now! But wait…there’s more!
All new enrollments for the next semester get a FREE copy of our official guide to beating plagiarism. This fabulous manual created by the Professor of the Ethics Department gives you all the tips you will need to get away with academic murder! As the good Professor says, “Remember, originality is only undetected plagiarism.”
Thanks for visiting our site, we hope you had a good laugh. Send in course ideas to: rich@hobbycourses.com